VOLUME I, ISSUE 2
 "Who was the greatest U.S. President?" We don't know, but more importantly, we don't care. "OK, well, who would win in a fight?" Now that's a good question! We'll lay out the analysis and you vote. Full mission statement |
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EXHIBIT B: LINCOLN
As if his brooding nature, awkward stature, and undertaker's garb didn't make him look similar enough to a grotesquely pubescent, 14 year-old Hot Topic employee, history books tell us that Lincoln would also secretly write poetry. At least one such poem was found in his office by G.W. Harris, a legal clerk in Lincoln's law firm. When Harris asked Abe if they were his, Lincoln responded, "where did you find those?", quickly took them from him, and changed the subject. One imagines he hurriedly crammed them under the mattress of his bunk bed, or maybe into a little pink safe hidden in the wall behind the poster of Alexander Hamilton posing alluringly on the cover of Teen Federalist magazine.RELATED LINKS:
Read the case for Lincoln
Read the case for Hayes
Exhibit B: Hayes
Return home
 PICKING A VICE PRESIDENTIt doesn't seem like rocket science, but yeesh. History's riddled with bozo veeps. Take a look at some worst case scenarios in the latest feature. |
 FORD: EXHIBIT B!Gerald Ford was many things to many people. To women, he was mostly a target. For shooting guns at. Really. |
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ROOSEVELT: EXHIBIT B! "Son, have you tried the jackrabbit?" "Uh, Lt. Roosevelt, that's a Spaniard you're eating, sir." "Well, it tastes like jackrabbit! Dig in!" |
 NEW COMIC!Those are some rad muttonchops, Mr., uh, Mrs. Hillary?? This week's comic looks into the future of political facialry. |
 WALK SOFTLY, SPANIARD!On safari, Roosevelt feasted on cougar and partied with zebras. Dude. In office, he boxed himself blind and got shot for fun. DUDE! |
 FORD MODEL G!This guy's got a face like a robber's dog but goes like the clappers. Half man-half skull, any fight with Ford will have marathon potential. |
 BLOG: THE FAT VOTENovember 4th? Only three weeks until Thanksgiving! |
 PURPLE HAYES!The first loser! As of this moment, Rutherford B. Hayes stands solidly in dead last, second place. See how it would have gone down! |
 IKE ON COMPUTERSIn the first installment of his exclusive series, President Eisenhower discusses the first computer hack...sort of. Watch out, comminglers! |
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LINCOLN: EXHIBIT B! Poetry? I beat the shit out of that guy in high school...and college! Slice and dice, emo-Abe. |
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BLOG: LESSONS FROM HISTORY Jews' harp you say? I'm not entirely comfortable with that. But you'll never guess who was! |
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HAYES: EXHIBIT B! Didn't expect that letter you wrote to Lucy to show up here did you? A bit too loose-lipped with the old quill-tip, I'd say. Prudence in all things, dingus! |
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BLOG: FUCKING NEW YORKERS Eisenhower left office warning of the military-industrial complex. Nothing about the media-idiot complex that's grown over the past 50 years, though. |
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BLOG: PET POLICY What does John McCain have in common with The Beastmaster and Paris Hilton? That they're all Beastmasters? Not quite, but close! |
 WEAKNESS QUIZ!Broken bathtubs... public weeping... narcolepsy... by Heads of State?! Test your knowledge of presidential patheticness all the way to the bank. |
 NEW COMIC!William Henry Harrison: Executive embarrassment? We think not. And you will too! |
 RUTHERFORD B. SLAYS!In for the fight of his life, check how Ruddy would stack up in the squared circle against Honest Abe. Possibly the first cyborg head of state. |
 THE GETTYSBURG BADASS!Lincoln was depressed, but was he also a pussy? "Aren't those just synonyms?" Woah, that's taking it too far, pal. But yes, they are... Although a pack of pirates might argue otherwise. |
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