VOLUME I, ISSUE 2
 "Who was the greatest U.S. President?" We don't know, but more importantly, we don't care. "OK, well, who would win in a fight?" Now that's a good question! We'll lay out the analysis and you vote. Full mission statement |
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 You've always fancied yourself an expert on things. Unleash your wisdom upon the dozens! Now is the time! To the blog! |
LINCOLN DEFEATS HAYES IN OPENING ROUND
The votes have been tallied. The people have weighed the evidence; and the people believe Lincoln would beat Hayes in a fight to the death. Unlike the close electoral contest of Hayes-Tilden 1876, "Honestly Badass Abe" has taken the win by a clear majority. From the start, Hayes was something of an underdog. Abe had a six inch height advantage that, all else equal, would have been difficult for Ruddy to overcome. If he wanted to, Abe could have kept Hayes at a distance the whole fight, peppering him with long jabs and quick, lanky crotch-kicks.
The biggest advantage Hayes had was his underdog status. The virtuous Lincoln would not have wanted to continue fighting a fight against a man that he was clearly dominating. Probably he would have appealed to Hayes to surrender, offering him his hand and a, "well done, friend, but you are bested," time and again, but receiving a never-say-die onslaught time and again from nearly broken Hayes. In battle, General Hayes would not quit, and was at his most heroic when he was down and injured. There is good reason to suppose he would conduct himself similarly in melee combat.
The fight would have probably been very similar to the Paul Newman-George Kennedy scrap in Cool Hand Luke. A tearful Abe begging Hayes to stay down, wishing more than anything to be able to stop striking him over and over again. Eventually, Lincoln would have to finish the broken but unyielding Hayes for his own good. Mustering all his strength to end him as humanely as possible, the powerhouse Lincoln would have lifted the beaten old warrior above his head, and bodyslammed him onto his bended knee; splitting him like a rail, the only way he knows how.
RELATED LINKS:
Read the case for Lincoln
Read the case for Hayes
Exhibit B: Hayes
Exhibit B: Lincoln
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