ON HAYES

"I would prefer to go into it if I knew that I was to die or be killed in the cause of it than to live through and after it without taking any part in it."

To this day, the memory is bitter for Democrats, and bittersweet for Republicans. In one of the most controversial presidential elections in the nation's history, the Democratic candidate won the nation's popular vote but lost the election. Everyone remembers the details; a Florida election that was "too close to call;" accusations of fraud and the destruction of Democratic ballots; and southern blacks forced at gunpoint to the ballot boxes to vote Republican. Don't remember that last part, you say?

Well, you can't be blamed for forgetting the 1876 election of Rutherford B. Hayes. His somber, bearded face adorns no currencies or mountainsides, nor are there famous national monuments in his honor. His homestead, in Delaware, Ohio was demolished, so that a gas station could be erected. The birthplace of our nations 20th president is now marked only by a modest memorial plaque, standing with humility and honor in the parking lot of a BP.

You may be tempted to think that a gas station anti-memorial is apt; "that's just boring old Rutherford Hayes getting what he deserves," you might think. Well, shut up. History books may ignore him, but Rutherford B. Hayes was perhaps this country's greatest soldier-president.

Character 9/10

There's a kind of toughness forged on the battlefield that cannot be replicated through alternate experience. Men who seek toughness know this, and therefore seek the battlefield. While history may remember Washington, Grant, Eisenhower, and Jackson as the soldier-presidents, none saw more frontline combat than Hayes. A kind, modest, and agreeable man by all accounts, Hayes also truly loved war. Future President William McKinley, who served with Hayes, wrote that, "His whole nature seemed to change when in battle. From the sunny, agreeable, the kind, the generous, the gentle gentleman… He was, when the battle was once on… intense and ferocious."

Maybe it's because the modern world has softened us, but one has can't help but find something slightly psychotic about a man who can have over a thousand men die under his direct service and still proclaim, "I never enjoyed any business or mode of life as much as I do this," comparing it favorably to a "pleasure tour". The Civil War was like a pleasure tour in the same way that the Korean War was like a cool breeze on a summer day, and the firebombing of Dresden was warm mug of cocoa and a handjob.

In the context of the time he lived, it can't be said that Hayes was definitively (or even probably) psychotic, which is unfortunate, as insanity can be a huge advantage in a fight (if you doubt that, try wrestling Mike Gravel and have fun picking his rotten teeth out of your scalp and getting stitches on the bottoms of your feet). One must assume, however, that a man so comfortable and at ease in the bloodbath of the Civil War would be capable of casually digging out an opponent's eyeball or nonchalantly stomping his skull, completely relaxed, totally enjoying himself, and whistling the whole time.

Size 5/10

At 5 feet 8 1/2 inches, Hayes is the 11th-shortest president (that is, until 2012, when President Kucinich, at a mere 23 1/4 inches tall, will bump Hayes up to 12th place). His height would put him at a disadvantage against many presidential contenders, but that size disadvantage would be tempered by his solid frame. Weighing in at a respectable 170 pounds, he was broad shouldered and well built, like a middleweight.

Strength 7/10

A civilized lawyer who lived a healthy, comfortable life before the war, Hayes grew stronger and fitter as a soldier. "Ruddy" was one of four Civil War veterans to become president, and while all were generals, Hayes was the only one to be injured; fantastically, and repeatedly, as it were. Five times he was injured, and had four horses killed from underneath him, one of which threw him violently to the ground causing a severe concussion--his second most serious injury of the war. He was believed dead more than once, so convincingly so that his death was reported in the press. One thread which weaves through each tale of narrow escape is that his ability to keep moving despite devastating injuries helped him avoid capture and kept him alive. This evasiveness and cunning would serve him well in a fight.

The most serious injury occurred at the Battle of South Mountain in 1862, when a musketball struck below his left elbow, splintering a bone and tearing a blood vessel. During the time of the Civil War, a man was unlikely to survive such a devastating injury. Not only did Hayes survive, but he kept his arm. His healing was described by medical historian Rudolph Marx as taking an "unusually short time even by modern standards," who likewise hypothesized that he "must have possessed rare powers of recuperation and an extraordinary resistance to the common type of wound infections." This, of course, does not prove that Hayes had superhero-like healing abilities, rendering him completely immune to all human illness and able to stop bullets with his head. But it certainly raises the burden of proof for those who suggest he didn't.

Also strongly suggesting a superhuman ability to stop a bullet with his head is the time he stopped a bullet with his head. Ever modest, Hayes suggested that the bullet bounced harmlessly off his head because it "had lost its force in getting, I suppose, through somebody else! It gave me only a slight shock."

Hayes also had a natural athleticism. He spent much of his youth in sports including swimming and skating, where he showed "extraordinary perseverance" along with "unusual strength and muscular coordination." He was a champion runner in college and played baseball at Harvard Law School. A man of no vices, Hayes remained healthy and exercised regularly up to and including the time of his presidency. He didn't drink or smoke, went to bed early, and started every day with gymnastics and a fast walk; something like a 19th century Jack Lalanne.

Rutherford B. Hayes was a solid man with equal parts grit and temperance. He was mild mannered yet had the killer instincts of a warrior, and would have been a strong contender in any presidential battle… and, of course, bullets bounced off his head.

RELATED LINKS:
Read the case for Lincoln
Exhibit B: Hayes
Exhibit B: Lincoln

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