AS REGARDS LINCOLN

"He could beat any of the boys in wrestling or running a foot-race, in pitching quoits or pitching a copper; and the dignity and impartiality with which he presided at a horse-race or fist-fight excited the admiration and won the praise of everybody that was present."
--Stephen Douglas on Abraham Lincoln, 1858

Disentangling the man from the legend is the central challenge for theoreticians of presidential combat (and to a lesser importance, "regular" historians). For some presidents, the historical record is thin, and mysteries must be solved the old fashioned way-- by digging up their graves (see Taylor, Zachary). Yet even for those presidents with a thick enough historical record to spawn a cottage industry of biographies, the teasing out of their true natures can be a challenge. More books have been written about Abe Lincoln than any other president (I assume) and, yet, to many, he remains a shadowy, lanky puzzle. Was he a sickly monster, worn thin by disease or did he possess strength and vigor of legendary proportion? Was he depressed or just ugly? Golem or Tree Ent? Andre the Giant or Dinner with Andre? Hot or not?

Size 10/10

It goes without saying that Lincoln was tall. The Lincoln Monument was not quite built to scale, but it might as well have been. At 6 feet 4 inches, he was the tallest president in history, and probably had the longest reach, as well. He stood a whole foot taller than James Madison, the shortest president, who stood an adorable 5 foot 4. He was no featherweight, but his 180 lbs. was necessarily spread thinly over a frame that long. As was demonstrated by Manute Bol vs. William "The Refrigerator" Perry on FOX's Celebrity Boxing, height matters, and it would have given Lincoln an advantage over all other presidents and most breeds of horse. Like Manute, his long gangly arms would have allowed him to keep opponents at a distance, protecting him from Taft's knockout haymakers or the frenzied scratching and biting of Jimmy Carter.

Character 5/10

"Honest" Abe Lincoln got his famous nickname by walking ten miles to return a pinch of tea that a customer had left on the scale at a general store where he worked. This tale is recounted in dozens of biographies and children's schoolpapers, which praise him as unflappably virtuous; a fair arbitrator, good sport, and kind heart. These are qualities that make a great president, but, alas, not a great fighter. If there is one quality likely to hold a good man back in a fight it is an excess of morality. Don't be fooled by the Jackie Chan movies where the virtuous hero wins the fight without breaking the rules. The real truth lies in the Steven Segal films, where the finger snapping, throat-punching, knee-kicking, eye-gouging, pony-tailed douche-bag wins because he'll do whatever it takes. There is no doubt Lincoln was a great man, but against other presidential combatants his greatness would potentially be his undoing, as his legendary virtue would make him unable to muster the necessary ruthlessness to kick a man in the throat or take it to the groin, unlike many of his presidential opponents (see Jackson, Andrew).

If there is a quality of spirit that is worse for a fighter than virtue, it is melancholy, of which Abe likewise had an abundance. He suffered from terrible bouts of depression throughout his life. Even as an adult, his friends would occasionally have to keep him under constant watch and literally hide sharp objects from him for weeks at a time. A woman who once met Lincoln after he had been elected president recounted of being so shocked by his haggard, pathetic look and aura of unfathomable sadness, that she instantly wept. Recalling the incident she said, "The impression I carried away was that I had seen, not so much the President of the United States, as the saddest man in the world."

His extreme virtue and questions about his mental state could severely hamper him in a fight. Depression, melancholia, broken heart; call it what you will, Lincoln spent time on suicide watch. The will to live would be an important asset in a match against men who, in a fight, will either kill or be killed.

Experience 7/10

Beyond bravery, Lincoln also had a legendary prowess as a fighter. In fact, there so many incredible and true tales of amazing Lincoln's pugilistic ability, one wonders how elementary school children are reminded again and again of the Gettysburg Address and the Lincoln-Douglas debates, yet never privy to the time a young Lincoln and friend fought and bested over half a dozen Mississippi River pirates and chased them into the night. Yes, pirates. Literal pirates. Showing a rare bit of ruthlessness in the face of extreme danger, Lincoln even attacked the would-be boat thieves with a hand-spike and chased them into the night when they tried to run away.

Not only was Lincoln a capable scrapper in times of necessity, but he was a sport fighter as well. His skill and unparalleled strength gained him quite a reputation. As a young man, people would come to his hometown from far and wide to challenge the man who supposedly could not be beaten. He fought bullies, soldiers, and even faced down a crowd of (I assume drunken) Irishmen trying to coerce them to vote Democrat.

However, accounts of his wrestling matches praise him mainly for strength and size, rather than pure technique. This is unsurprising, as a lifetime of backwoods scrapping would lack the refinement and technical precision of, say, the Yale University Boxing team (see Ford, Gerald).

Strength/Health 8.5/10

Lincoln campaigned confidently on the issue of his physical strength. Supporters called him the "Rail Splitter" and brought logs to his speeches in reference to his youthful occupation splitting wooden rails with an axe. His campaign successfully painted him as a man of the people, a man of humble origins, and man of remarkable strength; like George W. Bush clearing brush, or every single thing John Kerry ever said or did, except without the cringingly awkward phoniness. Providing evidence for the legitimacy of this image of Lincoln the Powerhouse are countless tales of his actual impressive rail splitting, and even more tales of his physically manhandling wrestling opponents. Those were the days when the absurd images campaign managers crafted were at least grounded somewhat in reality. I'm not saying John Edwards isn't a man of the people, I'm just saying those people are effete millionaires.

Lincoln did not smoke, snuff, drink, or have any other vices of which to speak. He was in good physical health at his inauguration at age 52, and he would have retained much of his youthful strength and vigor at the time of hypothetical combat.

"Where are these Lincoln tales in schoolbooks," a frustrated historian must ask. "George Washington had wooden teeth!" you say? Well, Lincoln fought river pirates.

RELATED LINKS:
Read the case for Hayes
Exhibit B: Hayes
Exhibit B: Lincoln

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