WHILE ASSESSING ROOSEVELT

"I don't know whether you fully understand that I have just been shot; but it takes more than that to kill a bull moose."

Thus spoke Teddy Roosevelt less than five hours after being shot in the chest point blank by the .38 caliber revolver of a would-be assassin. Taking the stage before an audience of 9,000 at a campaign rally in Milwaukee, Roosevelt warned the audience that he would be speaking quietly due to having just been shot in the chest. When an audience member yelled "fake!" he opened his jacket to reveal the blood-stained shirt underneath. He then proceeded, against the wishes of friends, advisors, and doctors, to speak for 80 minutes.

That's tougher than Ronald Reagan, who went straight to the hospital after an attempted assassination. And WAY tougher than J.F.K., who not only failed to walk into the hospital on his own two feet like Reagan, but, in fact, just slumped down in his seat after he was shot; presumably pouting.

Roosevelt was the first president to survive taking a bullet, but then again, he was a lot of presidential firsts. He was the first to ride in an automobile, an airplane, and a submarine; the first to own a telephone or a car; the first travel outside the country while in office; the first to kill an elephant; and the first, and probably last, to go almost completely blind from a boxing match in the White House (I foresee having to rescind this claim when President Gravel is blinded in a boxing match with a kangaroo in 2014).

Size 5 / 10

At 5' 10'', Roosevelt was just slightly below average for a president (5' 11'' median, 5' 10 1/2 mean). Estimating his weight at the time of election is difficult, as it fluctuated greatly over his lifetime, but at times he was as heavy as 200 lbs. Teddy's size would have been a disadvantage to him against many serious presidential contenders. His short, somewhat stocky build would not have given him much reach. However, as goes the old Viking saying Roosevelt himself used to describe his grizzly hunting technique: "If you go in close enough, your sword will be long enough." Despite the big talk, he never killed a bear with a sword. He did, however, once kill a cougar with a knife. Close enough, I suppose.

Strength/Health   10 / 10

Like Peter Parker, Bruce Wayne, and Norbit, Roosevelt was not born of vigor, but of weakness. As a youth, he suffered from a severe case of bronchial asthma that would debilitate him for weeks at a time. Surprisingly, the asthma was not improved by the remedies of the day, which consisted of strong coffee, opiates, and smoking cigars. It is unknown whether his parents followed the treatment to its logical next step by having him smoke heroin dipped menthol cigarettes and work 18-hour days in a coalmine.

His frailty prompted his father to challenge young "Teedy" to remake his body with hard work and exercise. He responded to this sound, measured advice, with a driving obsession that molded the remainder of his life as a constant fight to prove his manhood through physical challenges and a neurotic exercise fetish. He engaged in a wide range of vigorous activities including tennis, mountain climbing, riding, weight lifting, gymnastics on rings and parallel bars, and wild, hectic runs over land and water that he liked to call "scrambles". Even as president, he would spend over two hours every day on strenuous physical exercise.

On top of his muscular fitness, Roosevelt was in great overall health. He drank little and never smoked, except, of course, for the occasional medicinal childhood cigar. Inaugurated at 42, and compared to the average presidential age of 55, he was the youngest president in U.S. history. His youth combined with his excellent overall fitness would provide him with a sizable advantage against most presidential contenders. He was so youthful and healthy, in fact, that he could probably have defeated more than one of the weaker presidents at a time; smashing John Quincy Adams' and Martin Van Buren's skulls together, and beating Franklin Pierce to death using an unconscious James Madison as a club.

Experience 9.5 / 10

Roosevelt was potentially the most experienced recreational fighter of all U.S. presidents. As a slight young man and naturally unathletic person who nevertheless loved, even needed, to compete, he was driven to combat sports for their weight classes. He started training at a young age with ex-prizefighter John Long, and eventually competed on the boxing and wrestling teams at Harvard. While Governor of New York, he trained with the middleweight wrestling champion of the United States. While president, he had Jiu-Jitsu instructors come to the White House and train and wrestle with him several times per week, eventually attaining to the rank of brown belt. The highest belt achieved by a president until, God willing, President Segal is sworn in.

Young soldiers were constantly invited to the White House to box him, with one eventually nearly blinding him in one eye. At nights, he would often stick-fight with General Leonard Wood, an event he continued even after Wood broke his arm in one bout. Modern presidents have taken a lesson from Roosevelt's recreational combat injuries. Despite having a fully licensed WWF regulation wrestling ring built in the White House basement, George W. Bush resisted his strong desire to invite his hero, "Macho Man" Randy Savage, for a wrestling filled sleepover. His memoirs will record it as his greatest, and only, regret.

Character 9.5 /10

As to whether or not T.R. would have the grit to kick a man while he was down, he leaves little to question:

"...This is a case of a fight to the finish, and, in such a fight (if you will pardon the simile by an old-time boxer), if a man wishes to win, it is absolutely necessary that he shall knock out his opponent when he has the latter groggy."

This is unsurprising, as Roosevelt held war, and all combat, as pursuits of the highest virtue. Outside of the friendly atmosphere of professional sport fighting, Roosevelt had his share of physical encounters that showed he had the character to bravely face death and danger, and emerge victorious. As a part-time Yankee cattle rancher in North Dakota, he found himself in more than one scrap with thieves, hired guns, and other ruffians who mistook his outlandish character and style for weakness.

Roosevelt is probably the only former president who would have actually accepted the challenge of this website, seeing the chance to fistfight the other former presidents and prove himself as the toughest (as he no doubt believed himself to be) as a very worthy, perhaps even morally prerogative, pursuit. With his over-the-top signature hunting and sometimes campaigning outfit, which consisted of a sombrero, silk neckerchief, fringed buckskin shirt, sealskin chaps, and alligator hide boots, Colonel Roosevelt was as ready for professional wrestling as he was for the office of president.

RELATED LINKS:
Read the case for Ford

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