IN CONSIDERATION OF FORD

"I am a Ford, not a Lincoln."

Having taken the office as thirty-eighth President of the United States in the manner of so many despots and tyrants--that is, having assumed power rather than won an election--it is a wonder that Les King is now looked upon so favorably across the national historical record.

Name not ringing a bell? Like millions of others, you probably just never received the memo about the duplicitous edge with which Gerald Ford lived out his sham life.

(Yes, that Gerald Ford. No, not the peanut farmer. The guy before him. Outwardly clumsy, seemingly dull-witted…no, now you're thinking of the peanut farmer's brother. Replaced Nixon? Chevy Chase? Nothing? Anyway, your mom would remember him. Ask your mom.)

Indeed, the manipulative mass-defrauding inherent in Ford's mid-twenties identity switcheroo makes him sound more like Richard Nixon (the man Ford came to replace) than the executive best known for having "healed America" in the aftermath of the nation's largest political scandal since James Gordon Bennett revealed Millard Fillmore to be a joke by freemasons.^{[citation needed]}

(And while indisputable documentation exists which explains the only reason the man born Leslie Lynch King, Jr. was rechristened Gerald Rudolph Ford by his mother was to not dishonor the child by keeping the name of his abusive paternal father after her remarriage, color me skeptical.)

Character 7.5 / 10

Instilled as a youth with those indefinably latent tendencies associated with the Boy Scouts, Ford was the first and only awarded Eagle Scout to take up the role of Commander-in-Chief. Having knotted his way through Webelos and basket weaved his way to achieving the peak of scoutdom, Ford carried over his loyal instincts to a successful undergraduate stay at the University of Michigan.

There, Ford was a member of consecutive national football championship teams in 1932 and 1933, when he didn't see the field. The following year, however, with all the better players graduated, Ford, as the team's starting center, did help to disgrace the proud Michigan tradition by winning just one game. Within the framework of that embarrassing season, though, Ford was able to display high character by sticking up for a teammate during a racially charged spat with the socially progressive magnates from Georgia Tech, who were refusing to play at Michigan unless the team suspended its African-American star Willis Ward. Close to quitting the team in support of his teammate, Ford claims to have consulted with Ward who encouraged him to go out and play. With Ward suspended and the rest of the team finally able to relax, Ford and his teammates trounced the Yellowjackets 9 to 2 in their only win of the year.

Still, Ford is perhaps best known in life for having pardoned the decidedly (and quite to the contrary of his own insistence) crooked thirty-seventh president, Richard Nixon. Thought citing national best interest, This symbolic gesture to exonerate the man behind Watergate (and, in so doing, burden the full and crushing blame of the scandal on hapless lackeys) left Ford looking like nothing more than a company man.

All things considered, Ford was a bit of a bleeding heart. His morality and Eagle scout training would likely eliminate classic scrapper moves like the eye gouge and groin slap from his repertoire, but his days as a down lineman during 30s-era football give him an advantage in being able to withstand similarly dirty tactics, having likely experienced more angry gropes and bite wounds than a non-prostitute should.

Experience 10 / 10

Following college, and having turned down professional football offers from two franchises, Ford began working as a coach at Yale.

A coach you say? Indeed, Ford served as assistant varsity football coach and head freshman boxing coach while at Yale. This key piece to Ford's pugilistic puzzle is typically mentioned but in passing by generic presidential historians. Yet, while the tales of Gerald Ford, amateur boxer, are not well-told, that he was given over to the charge of training Yale's ripest flowers in the art of human pummeling suggests that his prowess must have been at the very least, adequate. From a technical standpoint, any opponent would likely be looking at advantage Ford.

A short stint as a Navy Preflight School instructor (and resumed career as boxing coach) led to an earned rank of lieutenant and a tour of duty between 1943 and 1944 aboard the U.S.S. Monterey as part of World War II's Pacific theater. On the ship, he also served as athletic officer and would have been foolish not to take advantage of drunken braggart seamen wagering their skills against his in late-night bare-knuckle brawls, although no competitive records exist to corroborate such speculation.

Size 8 / 10
Strength/Health 9 / 10

A brawny six-footer, Ford grew into the requisite formless and pale-skinned mass symbolic of the American Presidency over time. As a collegiate football player in the 1930s, the physical toll on his body was notable and, in later years, he was reduced to participation in everyman type sports like recreational swimming, skiing and golf. He also dabbled however briefly in the uniquely 70s diversions of slipping down flights of stairs and walking into things.

Priding himself on being "thick-skinned" in the political arena with regard to the many detractors that emerged during his term as the first president living under the media microscope, Ford's remarkably thick skull would have served him equally well in the wholly different but equally combative arena of fist-fighting. Having likely obliterated a pair or two of White House medical forceps during physical exams or on the annual White House headwear measurement day, Ford's massive cranium would do well to insulate his modestly apportioned brain and protect him from serious injury.

In terms of competitive nature, Ford was nothing if not an opportunist. Able to be in the right place at precisely the right time politically, his oafish appearance and mannerisms seemingly belied an intuitive presence and situational awareness. In the ring, it's not hard to envision Ford utilizing rope-a-dope tactics with which he could tire friskier opponents. Like his head, his solid overall build was made to withstand punishment.

And while Ford did lose his only contested presidential election to Jimmy Carter (a man whom, ironically, he would have been able to crush like a peanut), with the pertinent facts in, Ford grades out well, weller than expected, even, and he would likely take even further advantage of his natural underdog status to go deep into a combative tournament.

The closest equivalent to Lennie Small who has ever called 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue home, Ford would likely come at opponents with a mirthful enough disposition, but quickly dismantle them like clockwork. Combining brute strength with a technically strong background, Ford makes a more than worthy adversary and popular sleeper pick amongst bookmakers.

RELATED LINKS:
Read the case for Roosevelt

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